The Love Life of Andy Lienz
Last night I had another date with a washed-up plastic blonde,
It all went well at the restaurant till she climbed out the bathroom window to the lawn.
Another woman who is ignorant to my talent, good looks, and charisma,
While I humbly offer my Self and my drugs to this blepharisma.
Andy Lienz, the smart, the tall, they just don’t seem to accept him…
Maybe it’s my gentle eye twitch or my disintegrated septum. Well,
Less of a twitch than a wink or a dance or a lovable nervous tic,
Like the C17H21NO4 in my blood has its own affinity for chicks.
I left the restaurant and went home to my trailer and took off all my clothes.
I examined in the mirror, and found nothing wrong, except a little white dust on my nose.
People these days don’t value nothing, and, when good things come along,
They blow it off with a cough and give Fate the bird, screwing themselves, headlong.
I’m smart, I’m fit, I’m 32, and still have pretty much all my hair,
But my sex appeal is no good for any party if it’s tied up in a chair.
One day, soon, these washed-up blondes, they will curse their own split ends,
When they realize no man walks this earth as capital-g Good as Andy Lienz.
I went to the bathroom and washed the night from my face and snorted a line or two,
But quickly decided, after my night with That Bitch, that two just wouldn’t do.
While using my library membership card to straighten and push and bend,
I thought to myself, for God’s sake, now that’s a real good friend.
I mean you know, think about the nature of the beautiful, like, snow-white dust,
Asking for nothing, offering everything, a relationship built on trust.
He’s there, he’s there, you know, when I get home, sparkling in the sun,
And he’s there when I leave like a fool to meet girls who don’t have Fun.
And so there, with my card and my thoughts and my moustache all, like, agleam,
I decided once and for all to stay with my lover, man, do you know what I mean?
I sat naked and happy for a very long time in the bathroom of my trailer home
Looking at nothing and everything all at once and the system I’d outdone.